check one two

radically different from your own experience of reality you nonetheless have to wonder whose is more accurate, theirs or yours. yours is more immediate, of course, but theirs is backed up by facts and statistics and pie charts and interviews and bold proclamations and yours is backed up only by you.

A swell find

On a whim (and on the colorful eccentricities of the cover) I picked up My Cousin, My Gastroenterologist (by Mark Leyner) in a used bookstore, bought it, and read it. I’d never heard of the author, and the title certainly wasn’t something I remembered having seen before. But the book turned out to be a delightful read. Seventeen short stories, even though the back cover mentions only 16. I’m incredibly suspicious that it’s probably the sort of book that you’d either love or hate. It’s kind of polarizing. Here’s a random sentence, to give you an idea what we’re dealing with here:

Dad was in the basement centrifuging mouse spleen hybridoma, when I informed him that I’d enrolled at the Wilford Military Academy of Beauty.

And then there’s this:

it was the night before the night before christmas we were all watching leni riefenstahl’s documentary of the 1936 berlin olympics bubbles eyed the screen quizzically, is that a finn? she gesticulated

And this:

He’d never shot a woman before. He’d shot men, plenty of them. Shot them, bludgeoned them, garroted them, drowned them, poisoned them, he’d even pushed some poor slob out of a 747 as he crapped in his pants and pleaded for his life. But he’d never shot a woman before. No, wait a minute. He haad shot a woman before. There was that dance therapist in Fort Lauderdale.

You get the idea, maybe. On the back cover, David Foster Wallace makes some reference to “our century’s mental furniture.” But don’t let that deter you. Use your own razor-sharp judgement.

Blow-Up

David Hemmings has recently died. That honestly means very little to me, but I enjoyed watching Michelangelo Antonioni’s Blow-Up , in which Hemmings starred. A nihilistic crime mystery type film that influenced the less exemplary The Conversation.

Peculiar taste

King of Fish: The Thousand-Year Run of Salmon by David Montgomery maintains a peculiarly optimistic slant despite its decidedly catastrophic smell. “There’s hope for this dicey fish yet, but don’t hold your breath” seems to be the general mantra. On Friday I had maple-glazed salmon for dinner. It simply appeared there in front of me and looked too good not to eat.

Inward glance

Photographed by microphones in the dark, the sound of fate is a laughing French racing blue.

Atomic Sledgehammer

Instructions on Creating An Atomic Sledgehammer:

  1. obtain a vehicle. The more bullet-shaped, the better. A high speed train would be ideal, but if unavailable you may substitute an automobile. E.g., a minivan. Or a hearse.
  2. spraypaint entire vehicle (incl. windows) fly yellow. If desired, wheels may be painted silver for effect.
  3. create large sledghammer stencil.
  4. paint black sledgehammer on front of vehicle.
  5. accelerate.

There, you’ve done it. You’ve made an atomic sledgehammer.

breathe, 1, 2, implode

Don’t worry about the cost of milk because you won’t need to worry about it much longer. Nor the cost of gasoline, if that’s more your thing. Nor blood pressure. The falling sky is none of your concern. Simply go inside and remain there, ensconced in your precious little crab-house, waiting for the next infusion of energy. Read a book. Watch a movie. Enjoy these things because nothing else is real, or, if it is real, it’s not something you can worry about. The tanks are rolling down the interstate, but what can you do to stop a tank? Nothing, so just keep your eyes fixed on the square of color splashed irregularly on your face. The telephone rings, and it might be a friend calling to warn you of danger or it might be them, calling to inquire as to your state of being. Are you okay. Do you require assistance. Negative. Listen to the radio. As long as they’re broadcasting, that means the end isn’t quite here. Watch old videotapes, programs from two, three months ago. People irrevocably caught up in their own chic wisdom and self-confidence, so confident that they can’t possibly be dead. There can’t possibly be vandals looting the stores. The food is going to continue to be brought in, magically, by trains or buses or airplanes or trucks; flesh piled high, boxes of artificialized natural products, bags of crisp goodness. Listen to music. That’s more proof of your existence. Because if you can still hear the music, things can’t be so bad. Become lost in yourself. Caught up in small trivialities. A wooden sagging from the weight of potted plants, the plants dead, the soil spilt. The dripping faucet in the kitchen, the one you can hear when you wake up at 3 o’clock in the morning and wait for the oppressive silence to overcome everything, followed by that deafening roar, the sound of helicopters, off-road vehicles, thousands of footsteps, artillery fire. The light-bulb in that lamp in the living room, the fake bronze one that you ‘inherited’ from your aunt when she bought a new one. You need to change that light-bulb. Every time it flickers, you freeze; is this it, has the power gone out now? Will everything be sucked into a chasm of?

But no. It’s only the light-bulb. There’s still water. Electricity. The phone lines work, probably; you haven’t checked. The TV’s still shouting at you from two rooms away, through two walls, a door. The toilet flushes your body’s effluent goes away. The danger of silence is everywhere. You’re still connected, and that means everything’s fine, even though you understand none of it. You must still worry. A radio commercial blares– You can’t not play the game, they won’t let you out of it.

Taken Out Of Context

Quote:

“I appreciate that, you know, other people have to live, but I don’t see that they need to impinge on those around them. I mean, fine, survive if you must, but don’t bring the rest of us down with you. I enjoy my CDs and DVDs and PVC and PCBs and 9-5. No way in hell I’m going to give that up just so someone else can survive.”

(actual quote:

“I don’t think the burden is on us,” says Jennifer again. “Taxing the rich to help the poor–we’d be getting nothing out of it. I don’t understand how it would make a better educational experience for me.”

from Jonathan Kozol’s Savage Inequalities)

Wtd #354

Word of the day: quaff. There’s really nothing for me to say, other than that quaff is a seriously underused word. More to the point, I guess, quaff is far more interesting than its brothers and sisters. Drink. Swallow. Sorry if these words are putting you to sleep, but I had to bring them into the discussion. Even guzzle doesn’t have the vigor or charisma of quaff.

Case in point, the following example.

sentence 1 (using drink):
I just drank a glass of water.
sentence 2 (using quaff):
I just quaffed a glass of water.

Quaffed is far more exciting. Not quite dangerous, but exciting nonetheless. Quaff opens doorways of which drink cannot even dream. Quaff drives an Aston Martin Vantage Lemans, goes skydiving, and eats french fries with reckless abandon. Drink walks timidly down the street, looks both ways before crossing, and has a desk job.

in medias res: hats

–so you walk in, but who said anything about the hats? Nobody said anything about the hats; of this you are adamant. Outcomes were promised, things were said. But what can you really promise? A woman dressed entirely in corduroy promises, she will not tell you the proper way to defuse a bomb made to look like a clock radio. A man who’s sitting down, he promises never to reveal the thing you must do if you find yourself in a room surrounded by hyenas. A thin man drinking through a straw notes that his promise is to never reveal his social-security number. (Never? No, never, he says.) And me? I never promised anything, not about the hats, not about telling you about?